1. Understand what Trans* is in the first place.
Trans* or transgender is an umbrella term for anyone who does not fit the gender binary. Some consider intersex individuals and drag queens under this umbrella, some do not. It depends on who you’re talking to.
2. Know that we exist
It is not something we chose. We ARE real. Our gender identities aren’t fantasy, otherwise we would not be here and doctors would not acknowledge us. Trust me.
3. Know how to respect us
Transgender people are still people. We have feelings just like you do. We’re humans with unalienable rights to love, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. All we ask is that you use correct preferred pronouns and don’t treat us like garbage. Seriously, we get enough crap for who we are every day. If you can handle saying hello to that guy you hate, then you can call me a dude and not call me “tranny."
4. GENDER IDENTITY IS NOT A MENTAL ILLNESS
What doctors recognize about trans* people is that we need treatment to become our identity or to cope with the hardships that we have to put up with from other people. My doctor knows being trans* itself isn’t an illness, but I do have to go under the knife to change my sex.
5. Sex and Gender ARE different
Sex is what you are biologically, usually male or female. Gender is what your mind chooses, and it can be a VARIETY of things. Some genders include male, female, third gender, genderfluid, bigender, genderfucked, agender, etc.
6. Using the wrong pronouns is extremely offensive
Most of us understand the occasional slip up, especially if we are long time friends. If you don’t even TRY to use our preferred pronouns, however, you’re 1) a jerk and 2) essentially doing the same as using a racial slur. I don’t care what your personal beliefs are. You would not go to a church chanting satanic rituals with sheep’s blood all over you, would you? No! It is a matter of respect, regardless of what you believe. This is the same. I don’t care if you think I’m still a guy, perhaps I think you’re rude and pretentious, but I will not call you “Mr. Rude and pretentious" every time I talk to you, so please don’t call me by the wrong pronouns. If you have that much of a problem with me, then don’t talk to me. It is that simple.
*Note, if you DO get a pronoun wrong, correct yourself and move on. Most of the time saying sorry repetitively just makes us uber uncomfortable and feel a bit bad. We know it was an accident, relax!
7. Not all trans* people want to teach all the time
I am personally usually in the mindset of being a teacher, so if someone asks me something I will gladly inform them. That being said, most people aren’t. Even your teachers aren’t teachers all the time. If they were sitting down and having coffee, no one would go up to them and ask what day World War Two started, or what nuclear fission is. The same goes for us. If you have a question it might be better to ask after you know the person’s name or other than when they’re at Starbucks (this has seriously happened to me before).
8. Trans* discrimination IS JUST AS BAD AS OTHER TYPES OF DISCRIMINATION
Whether you’re gay, straight, black, white, fat, skinny, tall, short, or whatever, you have probably faced some kind of discrimination based on something. Of course, some groups have it worse sometimes. African Americans are still subjected to racism in America, and Hispanic people have it particularly bad. Gay folks can’t catch a break in many countries, and in places in Afghanistan women aren’t supposed to attend school! Transgender people are subject to such things. We face a ridiculous amount of discrimination merely for being ourselves. This comes in the form of job discrimination, beatings, denial from stores, sterilization, death, name calling, unlawful arrest, sexual harassment, and other such offensive and awful things. Do not pretend that it does not exist, and do not pretend that people just use birth sex to be “correct." What is correct is to use proper preferred pronouns and not be a dick. Just like you wouldn’t pretend racism doesn’t exist, don’t pretend transphobia doesn’t exist. If you think that it doesn’t, you’re wrong.
9. Don’t out us
Like I said, we get a lot of crap. Sometimes it’s dangerous for us to be outted. I do not want my life in danger because you weren’t able to keep something I trusted you with to yourself.
*Perhaps you want to tell co workers about your trans* kid and you know they’re accepting. Ask your kid first. They may be alright with it, they may not be! This also depends on the person you’re talking to.
10. Gender identity, gender expression, and sexual orientation are all different
Gender Identity- how the person identifies their gender and who they are.
Gender expression- The ways in which “masculinity" and “femininity" are expressed by each person. Some women are “butch" some men are “feminine." This does not affect a person’s gender identity in any way.
Sexual Orientation- who you love and the relationships you have with them. Not related to gender identity.
This is just the understanding that is important. Maybe your guy friend bakes cakes, but he’s still a guy. Maybe he likes men, but he’s still a guy. The same goes for trans* people. Just identify them as they wish to be identified, otherwise you’re judging them based on unimportant things.
11. Don’t assume things
This is just a rule for bettering yourself as a person with any given situation. We are ALL individuals who have each had unique struggles and accomplishments. Therefore do not assume we all want a sex change, do not all assume we’re transexxuals (Female to male/ male to female), do not assume we are all fetishists, do not assume things! We are all individuals! While I may want to go up to surgery with my transition, I have several friends who stop at taking hormones or even before! It doesn’t make us any less or more trans* or human in any way!
12. Please do not say….
a) “Have you had the surgery yet?"
Why? Why does it matter? This is extremely personal and you don’t need to know, thanks. Instead “How far have you come in your transition?"
b) “Which bathroom do you use?"
Again, what does it matter? This is just an uncomfortable question to ask ANYONE, so please don’t single us out.
c) “You pass way better than so and so."
If you’re going to compliment me, do it without putting someone else down. Besides, the simple assumption that all men and women and other must look a certain way is sexist and #r00d
d) “How do you have sex?"
Do I even have to explain this?
e) “I’ll always see you as a man/woman."
That’s great! It’s nice that you assume you have the option of deciding what gender I am! It’s also nice you assume that I actually care!
f) *Only applies if someone posts a before and after pic* “You look great as both" or “You’re hot as both!" Also equally rude “You were a handsome/pretty ________!"
I guess this is just a matter of not mentioning the past. We were never really the opposite gender, we just had to hide who we really were. We feel uncomfortable talking about who we “once were" because we never really WERE them. It’s like wearing a costume for most of your life and suddenly everyone thinks that’s who you are, when in reality it isn’t! We just want to be known as our preferred gender, thanks!
g) “You pass so well!" or “You look just like a real ____!"
This implies that our gender isn’t real. I AM a real man. Who are you to say I’m not? Perhaps you aren’t a real human because you can’t respect others! To tell someone they pass well might seem like a compliment, but it isn’t. It implies that we are being deceptive or that we aren’t what we seem to be.
h) “When did you decide you were a _____?"
Whoah, slow down. I didn’t decide anything. This is something I have always been. When did YOU decide what gender you were? What? You’ve always known? Me too.
i) “How did you know you were a _____?"
This isn’t a particularly hurtful or offensive thing to say. It’s just kinda weird. Ask yourself this question. How did YOU know? The honest answer is that you just kind of do.
j)"But your chromosomes____"
Oh hello, Dr.! You obviously must know SO MUCH about genetics and chromosomes because you’re stating something that everyone learns in grade school! Shush. I work in a lab with genetics and let me tell you, TONS of the stuff you’ve learned about chromosomes and DNA is just false or misrepresented. For instance, we are taught humans have a set amount of chromosomes. However, there are men born with an extra Y chromosome that function perfectly. Women are sometimes born with XY chromosomes and, despite this, grow and function as women with no trace of this except in their chromosomal DNA. Chromosomes may decide my sex, but sometimes they don’t, and they definitely don’t get to decide my gender.
k)"I see you as _____ because you act like _____"
How I act doesn’t have any impact on what I identify as. Go screw yourself if you believe that men and women have to act a certain way.
l)"So, are you really a man/boy or a woman/girl?"
It doesn’t matter. And I am a real whatever I identify as. Sex does not define gender.
m)"tranny" “shemale" “he-she" “boy-girl" “lady man" in ANY FORM
This is the same as calling an African American the N word, a LGB person the F word, or just using a slur in general.
n) “I understand since I’m gay"
While you may have sincere sentiments, this statement undermines the struggles of trans* people. Our experience is profoundly different from that of the gay community.
o) “This or that would make you look more masculine/feminine"
Alright, let me tell YOU something. You should compliment me on what DOES look good. I don’t get to tell you “THIS OR THAT MAKES YOU LOOK FATTER/SKINNIER" so don’t do it to me. Unless I ask you for advice on this, just keep your mouth shut, thanks.
p) “Trans* people are sexy!" or any fetishizing of us
We are not fetishists or sexual objects. Do not treat us like such.
q) “What is your real name?"
This implies that we are lying and or are being something we really are not. My REAL name is the one I choose. Besides, unless you’re my employer it should not matter.
r) “When you were a ____" Or “Before you were a____"
Again, we just dislike being reminded of what we “once were" even though we actually weren’t that.
s) “It’s just a phase" or “you’re just confused"
1) I know who the hell I am, thanks. 2) Obviously I’m not confused because this is what my whole life has been 3) You’re an idiot 4) You’re a jerk 5) shut the hell up
t) “Why not just be a lesbian woman/gay man?"
Gender identity and sexuality have nothing to do with one another except for the fact that our movements are both fighting for equality. Get your facts straight.
u) “Transgendered" “Transgenders"
Just as you would not say “colored person" or “blacks" or “the gays" you wouldn’t do this with trans* people. Just use transgender people or transgender person instead!
v) “Wow that’s cool! "That’s gross"
Some people do think it’s cool, I guess, but it really isn’t. It’s nothing exciting, nor is it anything disgusting. It’s just a thing. We don’t usually like it to be considered out of the ordinary, because it’s not.
13. We are not
All crazy, all sexual fetishists, all men or women in drag, all going to get surgery, all male or female, all liberal or conservative, all anything! Again, DON’T ASSUME THINGS!
14. Just remember that
Just remember that we’re people, too. We have feelings just as you do. If you don’t understand stuff, just ask! However, do it politely and believe what that person tells you. After all, they are the ones going through it, not you! They know what they’re talking about (hopefully). The general idea is to just be nice and use common sense. If you see someone doing this to a trans* person, tell them what they’re doing wrong! Education is just very important, and these are things people need to know because it’s so poorly talked about.
Trans* or transgender is an umbrella term for anyone who does not fit the gender binary. Some consider intersex individuals and drag queens under this umbrella, some do not. It depends on who you’re talking to.
2. Know that we exist
It is not something we chose. We ARE real. Our gender identities aren’t fantasy, otherwise we would not be here and doctors would not acknowledge us. Trust me.
3. Know how to respect us
Transgender people are still people. We have feelings just like you do. We’re humans with unalienable rights to love, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. All we ask is that you use correct preferred pronouns and don’t treat us like garbage. Seriously, we get enough crap for who we are every day. If you can handle saying hello to that guy you hate, then you can call me a dude and not call me “tranny."
4. GENDER IDENTITY IS NOT A MENTAL ILLNESS
What doctors recognize about trans* people is that we need treatment to become our identity or to cope with the hardships that we have to put up with from other people. My doctor knows being trans* itself isn’t an illness, but I do have to go under the knife to change my sex.
5. Sex and Gender ARE different
Sex is what you are biologically, usually male or female. Gender is what your mind chooses, and it can be a VARIETY of things. Some genders include male, female, third gender, genderfluid, bigender, genderfucked, agender, etc.
6. Using the wrong pronouns is extremely offensive
Most of us understand the occasional slip up, especially if we are long time friends. If you don’t even TRY to use our preferred pronouns, however, you’re 1) a jerk and 2) essentially doing the same as using a racial slur. I don’t care what your personal beliefs are. You would not go to a church chanting satanic rituals with sheep’s blood all over you, would you? No! It is a matter of respect, regardless of what you believe. This is the same. I don’t care if you think I’m still a guy, perhaps I think you’re rude and pretentious, but I will not call you “Mr. Rude and pretentious" every time I talk to you, so please don’t call me by the wrong pronouns. If you have that much of a problem with me, then don’t talk to me. It is that simple.
*Note, if you DO get a pronoun wrong, correct yourself and move on. Most of the time saying sorry repetitively just makes us uber uncomfortable and feel a bit bad. We know it was an accident, relax!
7. Not all trans* people want to teach all the time
I am personally usually in the mindset of being a teacher, so if someone asks me something I will gladly inform them. That being said, most people aren’t. Even your teachers aren’t teachers all the time. If they were sitting down and having coffee, no one would go up to them and ask what day World War Two started, or what nuclear fission is. The same goes for us. If you have a question it might be better to ask after you know the person’s name or other than when they’re at Starbucks (this has seriously happened to me before).
8. Trans* discrimination IS JUST AS BAD AS OTHER TYPES OF DISCRIMINATION
Whether you’re gay, straight, black, white, fat, skinny, tall, short, or whatever, you have probably faced some kind of discrimination based on something. Of course, some groups have it worse sometimes. African Americans are still subjected to racism in America, and Hispanic people have it particularly bad. Gay folks can’t catch a break in many countries, and in places in Afghanistan women aren’t supposed to attend school! Transgender people are subject to such things. We face a ridiculous amount of discrimination merely for being ourselves. This comes in the form of job discrimination, beatings, denial from stores, sterilization, death, name calling, unlawful arrest, sexual harassment, and other such offensive and awful things. Do not pretend that it does not exist, and do not pretend that people just use birth sex to be “correct." What is correct is to use proper preferred pronouns and not be a dick. Just like you wouldn’t pretend racism doesn’t exist, don’t pretend transphobia doesn’t exist. If you think that it doesn’t, you’re wrong.
9. Don’t out us
Like I said, we get a lot of crap. Sometimes it’s dangerous for us to be outted. I do not want my life in danger because you weren’t able to keep something I trusted you with to yourself.
*Perhaps you want to tell co workers about your trans* kid and you know they’re accepting. Ask your kid first. They may be alright with it, they may not be! This also depends on the person you’re talking to.
10. Gender identity, gender expression, and sexual orientation are all different
Gender Identity- how the person identifies their gender and who they are.
Gender expression- The ways in which “masculinity" and “femininity" are expressed by each person. Some women are “butch" some men are “feminine." This does not affect a person’s gender identity in any way.
Sexual Orientation- who you love and the relationships you have with them. Not related to gender identity.
This is just the understanding that is important. Maybe your guy friend bakes cakes, but he’s still a guy. Maybe he likes men, but he’s still a guy. The same goes for trans* people. Just identify them as they wish to be identified, otherwise you’re judging them based on unimportant things.
11. Don’t assume things
This is just a rule for bettering yourself as a person with any given situation. We are ALL individuals who have each had unique struggles and accomplishments. Therefore do not assume we all want a sex change, do not all assume we’re transexxuals (Female to male/ male to female), do not assume we are all fetishists, do not assume things! We are all individuals! While I may want to go up to surgery with my transition, I have several friends who stop at taking hormones or even before! It doesn’t make us any less or more trans* or human in any way!
12. Please do not say….
a) “Have you had the surgery yet?"
Why? Why does it matter? This is extremely personal and you don’t need to know, thanks. Instead “How far have you come in your transition?"
b) “Which bathroom do you use?"
Again, what does it matter? This is just an uncomfortable question to ask ANYONE, so please don’t single us out.
c) “You pass way better than so and so."
If you’re going to compliment me, do it without putting someone else down. Besides, the simple assumption that all men and women and other must look a certain way is sexist and #r00d
d) “How do you have sex?"
Do I even have to explain this?
e) “I’ll always see you as a man/woman."
That’s great! It’s nice that you assume you have the option of deciding what gender I am! It’s also nice you assume that I actually care!
f) *Only applies if someone posts a before and after pic* “You look great as both" or “You’re hot as both!" Also equally rude “You were a handsome/pretty ________!"
I guess this is just a matter of not mentioning the past. We were never really the opposite gender, we just had to hide who we really were. We feel uncomfortable talking about who we “once were" because we never really WERE them. It’s like wearing a costume for most of your life and suddenly everyone thinks that’s who you are, when in reality it isn’t! We just want to be known as our preferred gender, thanks!
g) “You pass so well!" or “You look just like a real ____!"
This implies that our gender isn’t real. I AM a real man. Who are you to say I’m not? Perhaps you aren’t a real human because you can’t respect others! To tell someone they pass well might seem like a compliment, but it isn’t. It implies that we are being deceptive or that we aren’t what we seem to be.
h) “When did you decide you were a _____?"
Whoah, slow down. I didn’t decide anything. This is something I have always been. When did YOU decide what gender you were? What? You’ve always known? Me too.
i) “How did you know you were a _____?"
This isn’t a particularly hurtful or offensive thing to say. It’s just kinda weird. Ask yourself this question. How did YOU know? The honest answer is that you just kind of do.
j)"But your chromosomes____"
Oh hello, Dr.! You obviously must know SO MUCH about genetics and chromosomes because you’re stating something that everyone learns in grade school! Shush. I work in a lab with genetics and let me tell you, TONS of the stuff you’ve learned about chromosomes and DNA is just false or misrepresented. For instance, we are taught humans have a set amount of chromosomes. However, there are men born with an extra Y chromosome that function perfectly. Women are sometimes born with XY chromosomes and, despite this, grow and function as women with no trace of this except in their chromosomal DNA. Chromosomes may decide my sex, but sometimes they don’t, and they definitely don’t get to decide my gender.
k)"I see you as _____ because you act like _____"
How I act doesn’t have any impact on what I identify as. Go screw yourself if you believe that men and women have to act a certain way.
l)"So, are you really a man/boy or a woman/girl?"
It doesn’t matter. And I am a real whatever I identify as. Sex does not define gender.
m)"tranny" “shemale" “he-she" “boy-girl" “lady man" in ANY FORM
This is the same as calling an African American the N word, a LGB person the F word, or just using a slur in general.
n) “I understand since I’m gay"
While you may have sincere sentiments, this statement undermines the struggles of trans* people. Our experience is profoundly different from that of the gay community.
o) “This or that would make you look more masculine/feminine"
Alright, let me tell YOU something. You should compliment me on what DOES look good. I don’t get to tell you “THIS OR THAT MAKES YOU LOOK FATTER/SKINNIER" so don’t do it to me. Unless I ask you for advice on this, just keep your mouth shut, thanks.
p) “Trans* people are sexy!" or any fetishizing of us
We are not fetishists or sexual objects. Do not treat us like such.
q) “What is your real name?"
This implies that we are lying and or are being something we really are not. My REAL name is the one I choose. Besides, unless you’re my employer it should not matter.
r) “When you were a ____" Or “Before you were a____"
Again, we just dislike being reminded of what we “once were" even though we actually weren’t that.
s) “It’s just a phase" or “you’re just confused"
1) I know who the hell I am, thanks. 2) Obviously I’m not confused because this is what my whole life has been 3) You’re an idiot 4) You’re a jerk 5) shut the hell up
t) “Why not just be a lesbian woman/gay man?"
Gender identity and sexuality have nothing to do with one another except for the fact that our movements are both fighting for equality. Get your facts straight.
u) “Transgendered" “Transgenders"
Just as you would not say “colored person" or “blacks" or “the gays" you wouldn’t do this with trans* people. Just use transgender people or transgender person instead!
v) “Wow that’s cool! "That’s gross"
Some people do think it’s cool, I guess, but it really isn’t. It’s nothing exciting, nor is it anything disgusting. It’s just a thing. We don’t usually like it to be considered out of the ordinary, because it’s not.
13. We are not
All crazy, all sexual fetishists, all men or women in drag, all going to get surgery, all male or female, all liberal or conservative, all anything! Again, DON’T ASSUME THINGS!
14. Just remember that
Just remember that we’re people, too. We have feelings just as you do. If you don’t understand stuff, just ask! However, do it politely and believe what that person tells you. After all, they are the ones going through it, not you! They know what they’re talking about (hopefully). The general idea is to just be nice and use common sense. If you see someone doing this to a trans* person, tell them what they’re doing wrong! Education is just very important, and these are things people need to know because it’s so poorly talked about.
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